Pete: After losing once again to baseball writer Carrie Wood in a football picks column, I’ve decided to search for someone who knows even less about football than Carrie. This is a difficult task, but editor in chief Rachel Fauber has proven her mettle as someone completely devoid of pigskin knowledge.
Rachel recently wrote a column about how well her fantasy team is doing despite her lack of understanding. “Never underestimate the power of having absolutely no idea what you’re doing,” she said. Now, with my Bengals on a bye and with my opponent not knowing what that means, I can concentrate on sweeping out this week.
Rachel: I still have absolutely no idea what I am talking about. Let the predictions begin.
Denver at Balt. (-3.5)
Rachel: I like this match up because both mascots are quite daunting. You don’t want to mess with a Raven and you definitely don’t want to mess with a Bronco. Here’s what I would do. Take a real raven and a real bronco then put them in spandex shorts. Give one a sword and one a light saber and let them battle it out. Assign points based on how much damage they do. Take those point, multiply it by the number of points scored in the season by each team, and you have the winner.
Pick: Broncos
Pete: Wow. Sound reasoning.
Anyway, Baltimore is favored over the Broncos? They even got an extra half-point over the usual home-field three points, but it’s warranted. All three of the teams that beat the Ravens are leading their divisions, which means that Baltimore, coming off a bye, will be ready for the next tough opponent. The Broncos have a tough defense, but the balanced Raven offense will be something different for Denver to handle. If the Baltimore O-line can protect Joe Flacco from Elvis Dumervil and the Bronco pass rushers, Flacco will get the passing game going, allowing Ray Rice to get some yardage. I don’t usually like offenses that rely on the passing game to open up the running game, but the Chargers got 20 points on the Broncos two weeks ago, and their pass blocking sucked.
Pick: Ravens
Seattle at Dallas (-9.5)
Rachel: Dallas is the Cowboys, right? Tony Romo is quarterback for the Cowboys, right? If so, I’m pretty excited about knowing exactly who Tony Romo is. Not only did he date Jessica Simpson, but he is a pretty cute quarterback and racking up the points in my fantasy league. And who in Seattle plays football anyways? All they do in the northwest is drink coffee and act better than everyone else. But guess what, they are not.
Pick: Cowboys
Pete: Big spreads are always given to teams with high-powered offenses, regardless of their defensive abilities. Dallas has a really good offense, but I have yet to be impressed with the Cowboys’ ability to stop opponents. The Seahawks are a sneaky good team; when they crushed the Jaguars 41-0, they showed just how much they can put on the field. Dallas won’t be ready for Seattle to put up a fight, and the Seahawks will keep it close, falling 30-27.
Pick: Seattle
NYG at Philadelphia (-1)
Rachel: This is a tough one. I feel like I should hate the Eagles. My fantasy league’s defense is the Giants and Brandon Jacobs is one of my running backs. I am originally from Washington D.C. and my dad is a huge Redskins fan and hates the Eagles. But here’s the problem. My best friend from my freshman year of college spent the last two seasons as a cheerleader for the Eagles. She has a great time, got to wear a few cute uniforms and the Eagles even sent her to the Caribbean for free! Any team that treats a cheerleader that nicely is a winner in my book. And that is why I think the Eagle will win this game. Karma.
Pick: Eagles
Pete: There is absolutely no reason for the Eagles to be favored in this game. The Giants thought they would walk over the Cards, but Arizona was ready. Why will they be ready for Philly? For one thing, it’s a divisional game. Second, they aren’t willing to lose a third game in a row. Most of all though, the Giants are simply superior to the Philadelphia Eagles as a football team. Better quarterback: Eli Manning. Better run game: Giants, as opposed to Philly’s busted-up starter and rookie back-up. Better defense: Giants by a hair. Better offensive line: Giants by a mile. I’ll take New York by 17 points outright, so saying they won’t lose by one isn’t a stretch for me
Pick: Giants
Minnesota at G.B. (-3)
Rachel: Ahhh. The big Brett Favre game, his first one back at Green Bay if I have overheard the sports gossip correctly. Here’s what I think: Favre just can’t make up his mind. He flip flops like John Kerry and retires and returns like a bad rock band that keeps having reunions and going on tour. He obviously likes the fame and the huge paychecks. Which I respect. Plus, wide receiver Sidney Rice is on my fantasy team and hasn’t let me down so far. I have no idea what the stats predict, but I think if Favre can keep it together and not retire or switch teams before this weekends game, they have a shot at winning.
Pick: Vikings
Pete: This is one of the most anticipated games of the last few years. Brett Favre returns to Green Bay, and the fans’ response will be interesting to listen to. As for the game, the Packers are on the rise, while I haven’t really seen proof that Minnesota can really play at a top-notch level. Aaron Rodgers, if he limits mistakes, will take care of the Vikings in the first three quarters. Favre will attempt another patented defense, but look for the fans to disrupt the offense all day.
Pick: Packers
Jax at Tennessee (-3)
Rachel: Tennessee running back Chris Johnson is my favorite player in my fantasy football league. I keep getting offers for a trade: Chris Johnson for three other running backs. It seems like a crazy deal to offer one for three, so I’m guessing he has to be pretty good and I should keep him around. Based on my research (which involves a bunch of Googling,) I know Tennessee hasn’t won any games yet but it does not look like Jacksonville is doing very well either. So if it comes down to two team who just can’t get it together, I am going to have to go with the Titans. I could use the extra points for my league and would like to have continued confidence in Johnson as my favorite player.
Pick: Titans
Pete: That’s nice, Rachel. I like Jacksonville in this one. Maybe the Titans will get their first victory, but don’t count on them beating a division rival by more than three. Expect a top-notch effort from Jacksonville, which is looking to legitimize the season and establish a team identity. The Jags look lost, but no team is more out-of-sorts than Tennessee. Vince Young cannot lead them to a blowout win.
Pick: Jaguars
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